Wednesday, February 3, 2010

"Adam Lives in Theory"

Adam Lives in theory lauryn hill- MTV unplugged

Lauryn Hill sings a song called “Adam Lives in Theory.” Now, I love this song, but in this moment I am much more interested in her live and unplugged MTV intro. For, as she introduces this song, she reminds her audience that “fantasy is what people want, but reality is what they need.” Today I found myself disappointed, and, despite my generally jovial demeanor, getting out of this drag was rather difficult. Keep in mind, now, that we are still talking about me. This drag lasted a total of maybe three hours. Still, for me it lasted ages.

As I began my walk home tonight, I was still in my slump. I had just left a swarm of amazing friends, all of whom I love. In their presence my heart could not help but soar, yet after their departure I slipped back down. It was then that I remembered this line of Lauryn Hill’s, and I did not hesitate to put it on. As her song played, I thought about the problem that I had created, for I had created this dilemma for myself. I had created a fantasy, an expectation that was unreachable. I had found myself in a situation that seemed perfect; every piece seemed to fit together in a way that rarely ever happens. At least, that is what I thought.

I realize now that I had only succeeding in enveloping myself in a lie. It was as if I were assembling a monochromatic puzzle, equating a similarity in color for a similarity in shape. I saw the obvious similarities, the seemingly evident clues, and pieced together the rest for myself. Tonight, I realized that this fantasy of mine was impossible. I saw for myself that what I had thought to be true, in fact, was not. This then, is why I fell into my slump. I ached with a disappointment and burned with a shame at my childlike beliefs.

Our biggest problem is that we, as a general population, stop there. We trail off with the shame, attempting to ignore our mistakes and forget them, and this is the cause of the lasting feelings of disappointment. We are freed from our falsities, but we are not delivered from our shame and sadness.

Tonight, as I walked down Broadway to my apartment, Lauryn Hill’s strumming and singing resonating through my mind, I realized that grasping the truth is not enough. We have to accept it. Just because this reality is not as perfect as our imagined preconception that does not mean that it becomes unworthy of our time or our care, our attention or our love.

No, this reality asks me not to wait for my fairy tale to find me. It demands that I embrace it, that I act upon it to understand it and to make it mine. My life stands before me, constantly surprising me with each new development. But who is to say that, although it does not match my expectations, my reality is worse than my fairy tale. People might be flawed, situations might not live up to what I want them to, but they are real. I can touch them and feel them. I can love them. And at the end of the night, that is all that matters.

So now, I look back on the last couple of weeks, at this situation, and I cannot help but smile. Silly me, thinking that things would be that easy. People are people and things are things; places are places and, well, sometimes I simply cannot change them. I cannot mold them to be what I want them to be. I think, now, that that is alright with me. I am going to do me, and you can do you. He will do him and she will do her. And maybe, just maybe, what I do is he does is she does is we do, maybe they will all fit together somehow. But I will not force it. I will sit back, smile down at them all, and actually see them before I attempt to piece them together.

[Adam Lives in Theory]

No comments:

Post a Comment